JLS (jlsjlsjls) wrote,

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Depp in Dibley

Okay ... a plot summary, some screengrabs (links after summary) and a transcript, donated by persons in England who were fast enough to hit "record". ;-)

The Vicar of Dibley episode aired during the Comic Relief Red Nose Day in the UK on March 12. Immediately after the broadcast we saw photos and summaries on the bbs. Neil sent us great screen captures from the show and the story boards (1 & 2). Mette wrote the following -

"The episode opens with a town meeting in the small village of Dibley. The rather heavy but very charming female vicar is present along with some other citizens, and they are discussing a request from a movie production company that wants to shoot a film in their village. One of the people asks if there will be anyone famous in the film, and another person replies that someone named "Johnny Depp" will be in it. Upon hearing Johnny's name the vicar immediately lights up and says:"You mean, Johnny 'please-use-your-scissorhands-to-snip-off-my-pants-immediately' Depp. Then they engage in a discussion about the last time there was a film production in the village ("Sense and Sensibility" with Emma Thompson ). Later the vicar decides to invite Johnny over for drinks and writes a very suggestive invitation which she delivers to his trailer on the set. She is very excited and can't bring herself to knock on the door - creating suspense - and while she is obsessing about her hair, the door opens and out comes Johnny ( drink and smoke in hand ) looking exactly like that picture of Johnny leaving a party in London from People magazine ( Sleepy Hollow hair, coat, and that huge grey scarf around his neck ). He says, "Hi can I help you", and the vicar says rather hysterically, "Hi, I am the vicar and I'm a woman with a woman's needs", to which Johnny smiles in a very sexy way!! She proceeds to invite him over for drinks to meet some of the locals. Johnny says, "Do you mind if I bring some friends, 'cause we were going to have a party anyway, and maybe we can bum some liquor off you". The vicar replies, "Anything that has to do with "bums" ( bum = butt ) and "you" is fine with me". That concludes the first part of the show. Unfortunately, that was all there was of Johnny, because just before Johnny and his "friends" arrive for the party in the second part, there is a power failure which leaves the house in complete darkness. We only hear his voice as he introduces the friends (Madonna, Mick Jagger and the Duchess of York among others voiced by impersonators). However, just before the guests arrive, the vicar makes a joke about Kate Moss, saying: "Oh, all those wasted years Johnny spent with Kate Moss, when he could have had his arms around all 'this'" ( pointing at her own body ). The next morning the vicar's house looks like a mess, and the vicar finds Madonna's bra and Fergie's tiara, but one of the villagers suggests to the vicar that she has been fooled by Johnny as she has not actually seen her famous guests due to the power failure. But the vicar gets the last laugh as the actual Duchess of York turns up to pick up her tiara and Madonna's bra."

Storyboard pictures at:




"The whole sketch starts in a village committee meeting. A letter has been received by the Secretary. He says it is from Rainbow Pictures asking if they can make a film in the village. He says he has told them no.

Another committee member says it sounds interesting and asks whether anyone famous is in it.

The Secretary says according to this letter someone called Johnny Depp.

The Vicar raises her head very quickly and squeaks "JOHNNY Depp in OUR village??? Johnny - Please use your scissorhands to snip off my pants immediately - Depp, and you've said NO to him?"

They eventually have a vote on it and it is agreed that the film makers will be allowed to make the film in the village.

Sketch then cuts to outside the trailer. The Vicar and the mentally challenged Alice are looking for Johnny Depp's trailer.

Vicar...."I think this is the one here. So I suppose I just go and knock on the door."

She smooths down her hair and walks up to the trailer door, goes to knock and turns and runs back to Alice screaming.

Vicar...."I'm sorry but that's JOHNNY DEPP there in that bit of tin. THAT IS JOHNNY DEPP!!!! what happens if he's got a bird in there or something?"

(For none English people, a bird is a slang expression for a woman. Other English slang words for a woman include, Bit of Crumpet, Bit of Stuff, Bimbo, Wench, - There are others but these are the nicer ones.)

Alice...."Why would he have a bird in there?

Vicar....(Suggestively)"Oh YOU KNOW!!!!"

Alice....(Dim light going on in brain somewhere) "Oh!!! Feeding it nuts!"

Vicar....(getting annoyed) "No the other sort of bird Alice."

Alice....(Searching scanty depths of brain for answer) "None nuts eating bird? Oh that's a tricky one!"

Vicar...(Giving up on trying to explain) "Oh I'll just go and do it."

Alice....(Still trying to solve master-mind type riddle)"Oh vultures I suppose."

Vicar....(Obviously getting frustrated) "Oh Sshh! Now, Sshh! Sshh! Sshh!"

The Vicar walks across to the trailer and goes to knock on the door. Every time her hand goes into knocking position she brings it down again. She does this four or five times without knocking. Eventually she goes to knock the door again, brings hand down and embarrassed starts to scratch her head.

Vicar.....(Scratching) "I think I've got nits." (More furious scratching, hair starts to look as though she has been dragged through a hedge backwards.) Whilst she is doing this the trailer door opens and Johnny is facing her as she is scratching her head furiously.

Johnny......"Hi! How can I help you?"

Vicar.....Looking at him in a most un-vicar like manner. "Hi, I'm Geraldine. I'm the Vicar and I'm a woman....with woman's needs!"

Johnny was obviously very amused by these words.

The Vicar continuing...."I've just come by to give you this invitation, - It's to drinks at the Knickerage, er at THE KNOCKERAGE, I mean at the Vicarage tonight. (For any none-English people, Knickers are womens under-garments and Knockers are women's breasts.)

Johnny, still with a twinkle in his eye, ..."Oh that is very nice of you...Thank you!"

The Vicar.. looking at him with cow-eyes,"If you would like to come it would be absolutely HEAVENLY"

Johnny..... "It would be good to meet some of the local people..... Hey listen, would it be alright for me to bring some friends of mine with me, because we were going to go and have a party anyway and so maybe we could just bum some booze off you.

The Vicar.... "Anything to do with bums, me and you will be great."

Johnny..... "Great, Great. Well thanks very much Honey, we'll see you later."

This was more or less the scene in it's entirety as far as Johnny's visual appearance went. He seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself. It was a great surprise to find out he was going to put in an appearance."

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