The players: Tim Brooke-Taylor, John Cleese, Jo Kendall, David Hatch (also the show's producer), Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie ("GRAMS" is BBC-speak for sound effects)
B-TAYLOR (camp voice): Well, anyway, heart -- what is our position, Mr. Zulu?
CLEESE: Velly uncomfo'table, Claptain.
KENDALL (on distort): Emergency -- Captain Kink to the bridge immediately -- emergency.
B-TAYLOR: Never a dull moment.
CLEESE: Quite light, Claptain.
HATCH: And so Captain Kink ...
CLEESE (normal voice): Just a minute -- is that all?
HATCH: What?
CLEESE: Is that all I've got this week? "Velly uncomfo'table" and "quite light Claptain" -- is that it? (goes on complaining)
HATCH: Yes. And so Captain Kink ... quiet please ... and so Captain Kink sprang into the lift.
GRAMS: STEEL SPRING TWANGS.
HATCH: Nice one! ( A voice in the background shouts "Was it worth it?" The lift took him swiftly up to the bridge.
GRAMS: LIFT DOORS CLOSE.
BAND: "GOING UP" MUSIC.
GRAMS: LIFT DOORS OPEN.
B-TAYLOR: Oh -- lift full of ruddy musicians as usual.
The Scottish Chief Engineer (Scott, Scotty for short, from Scotland) tells the Captain that there is a serious emergency.
B-TAYLOR: Scotty -- you take the lift down to the engine room ...
GARDEN: But it's awfu' heavy, Captain.
HATCH: With the Starship Enterprise completely out of control, things were bad.
ODDIE (slap, slap): Naughty things!
HATCH: The Captain leapt boldly to the controls and furiously started pushing buttons.
ODDIE: Get off!
KENDALL: Oh, Buttons -- if only I could go to the ball ...
HATCH: Just a minute, just a minute ...
ODDIE: After all ...
ODDIE & KENDALL (singing): "When you wish upon a star ..."
HATCH (hurriedly): And speaking of stars, that brings us back to the plot -- the door opened and in came Mr. Zulu.
CLEESE (off): Oh -- that's me again -- about time too.
HATCH: Zulu staggered across to Captain Kink ...
CLEESE: Yes, yes --
HATCH: Then suddenly and dramatically ...
CLEESE: Yes, yes, yes --
HATCH: He collapsed without a sound.
(The audience go "Ahhh")
CLEESE: Without a sound!
HATCH: Yes! Kink knew there was ...
CLEESE: I'm sorry, this is disgraceful!
HATCH: Look, do stop complaining, John.
CLEESE: No, no -- I think this is very shabby treatment. Good Lord, I mean, I give up my Sunday afternoon to come in here just for the sake of a lousy "quite light Claptain" -- I could have been at home mowing the kittens -- no, I'm sorry, ...
HATCH: Look, this is a jolly exciting story -- if you're just going to spoil it by moaning, then you might as well go home.
CLEESE: Yes, but --
HATCH: No, no -- I've had enough, you see -- I mean, just go on home. Here's your satchel -- go on.
CLEESE: All right, I will.
And he does -- but he soon returns. After he has been allowed to be Mr. Spock, the ship crashes on an asteroid at precisely 6 p.m. Asteroid Time. ("Ah, well, if asteroid time the pubs will be open.")
