B.C. girl wins fight to sell lemonade (takes, IMHO, a pretty scuzzy neighbour to complain about something like this)
just 'cause it made me laugh
Rare turtle dodges soup pot
Breast cancer risk linked to sleep patterns
Department of Homoland Security
By BRUCE MCCALL
Saturday, July 23, 2005 Page A15
Canada's sanctioning of gay marriage has forced prompt American action to prevent the slimy tide of runaway immorality from seeping south.
Protective measures extend from an order for all Americans forced to shake hands with Canadians to wear disposable surgical gloves, to the rule that American hotels spot-check Canadian gay-couple guests to make sure both keep one foot on the floor at bedtime, to a special Congressional committee investigation of all films and TV shows imported from Canada to screen for hidden messages endorsing the homosexual lifestyle.
Six National Film Board nature films, depicting "suspicious coziness" between same-sex bird and animal species, have already been banned.
The U.S. State Department, meanwhile, is reviewing all documents of Canadian origin, dating to 1813, in search of sissy handwriting that might betray signs of a gay political conspiracy at the highest levels. Of particular interest are said to be letters exchanged between president Abraham Lincoln and Fenians in Canada to confirm or dismiss the possibility of a transborder homosexual love ring. A parallel investigation of newsreel film from the J. Edgar Hoover collection is reportedly focused on the late prime minister Pierre Trudeau's propensity for hugging men in public, with an emphasis on visiting Russian dignitaries.
Citing the "grave threat to America's macho heritage," anti-gay U.S. forces have been inspired by neighbouring Canada's plunge into the moral abyss to call for strict new safeguards. For a man to purchase a wedding dress would become a criminal offence. Any American construction worker caught whistling at a male passerby would be subject to immediate deportation to Guantanamo Bay. Actors and actresses of Canadian descent would be required to undergo a so-called "skipping test," to determine if they are light on their feet, before being issued Screen Actors Guild cards.
American immigration officers on duty at the Canada-U.S. border are being issued new instructions to bolster the nation's defences against the menace of homosexual Canadian infiltrators conniving to slip through and impose their pro-abomination creed on God-and-sex-fearing Americans. All males must now recite "She sells sea shells by the seashore" aloud three times as a telltale lisp check. So-called "married" gay and lesbian visitors must surrender their wedding rings and submit to a spraying with a long-lasting, obnoxiously sweet perfume as a warning to sexually normal Americans.
Finally, a written "orientation quiz" requires all Canadians intent on crossing the border to choose with whom they would most wish to be stranded on a desert island, from a list made up exclusively of famous dancers, fashion designers and interior decorators.
"It's a trick quiz," admits one U.S. immigration official, "because the only proper response is to tear up the quiz and bark 'I'm no homo!' "
He added: "When it comes to saving America from the menace of wedded bliss between consenting responsible adults with alternative sexual preferences, fair play is one luxury we can't afford. Hey buddy, what's wrong with your wrist?"
Canadian expatriate Bruce McCall is a writer and illustrator for The New Yorker.