JLS (jlsjlsjls) wrote,

For timcharmorbien

The Handyman's Lament, by The Brothers-In-Law

I know you won't end up like this. ;-)

(sung to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's "When I Was A Lad")

When I was a young impressionable man
My wife conceived a fiendish plan
She wanted the same kind of bathroom floor
As the smug individual who lives next door (that son of a carpenter who lives next door)
And to further tax my sanity
She proposed that I should build a vanity
Like one that she had apparently seen
On the cover of a decorator magazine (she had seen it on the cover and she said that if I love her I must build it just the same as in the magazine)
Well I said "It can't be done my dear
You've gotta be a plumber or an engineer."
She said "It's been done by lots of fools
And all they were using were simple tools!" (using very unsophisticated simple tools)
And though I protested long and hard
She phoned up a feller from the lumber yard
And to make quite sure that nothing was missed
He trotted 'round that evening and made a list (he trotted right around and he put his briefcase down and he made a comprehensive and expensive list)
The next day I came home from town
And the truck from the lumber yard had been around
There were piles of stuff and right on top
Was a pretty glitter laminated counter top (such a decorative laminated counter top)
There were pots of paint and ceiling tiles
And imitation paneling in various styles
There were hammers and saws and instruction books
And lots of little cartons labeled "use no hooks" (open at the other end, do not mutilate or bend, you must truck it from the site and never use no hooks)
My wife surveyed this monstrous pile
And said to me with a beaming smile
"Just get it upstairs immediately
For we're going to start living very graciously" (very decorator magaziney graciously)
So I dutifully answered "Yes, my love"
And I dragged it all to the floor above
My back was wrenched and my arms were sore
As I threw it in the middle of the bathroom floor (oh my arms were very sore as I piled it on the floor 'til you couldn't see the toilet for the two by four)
From that day on I must confess
The bathroom's been in a hell of a mess
We wash and bathe at the kitchen sink
And use the laundry tub for whattaya-think?
So if you want to tile a floor
Or hang a door or build a shelf
Then the thing for you to tell your wife is "do it yourself"
Tags: silliness

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